I haven’t had as much time to write creative things although I did start journaling last night, and I’m really enjoying doing that again. I called Kontrena McPheter, and Interim friend who could give me the lowdown on Breakthrough H’art’s activities and how to get involved. I’m not sure if she knows, but she could direct me to the person who does. I think it’s a woman named Kaitlyn. I talked to her before, but I forgot what she said about the times. My memory is terrible from medications. I could also ask my social worker, Yvette, who I am about to see in a few minutes.
I would really like to get a portfolio of art going and end up going to art school if I could, or even end up an art therapist someday, but I know now is not the time. My goal is to get my baby back, and that is my singular priority right now.
I can’t help the feeling that I am missing most of his time after his first birthday. This is the time, as my friend, O.T., says that his mother and father should spend the most time with him. It’s been deemed by the courts that I may or may not be the best thing for him. We don’t know yet, or they don’t know, but that doesn’t mean it’s certain that I’m not. I always thought in this country we are presumed innocent until proven guilty. I feel like it’s now an open and shut case, that because I’ve been accused of being a neglegent mother, they think there is no hope for me ever being their idea of a picture-perfect one.
I think sometimes about whether this means I am a terrible person, if I let the family down by squabbling with Chris over issues that are not important. He did it too. We both did it. It’s terrible to consider that two grown adults can lose a loving relationship over a loaf of bread and two cornish game hens. Those were the last arguments we had at Christmas time last year, and that was all we argued about before Chris walked out of my home and mostly out of my life. It’s sad, rough, painful, and I’m not sure how I feel most of the time or what to say. I still don’t feel right about all of it, but I’m doing what people say and what I know I have to do in being strong and resolute for my baby. That’s all that’s left aside from my own wellbeing.