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“I found out a long time…


“I found out a long time ago what ___ will do to your soul. Oh, but she can love you anywhay…. you already know how to go. ‘Cause I got a peaceful, easy feeling. And I know you won’t let me down. ‘Cause I’m al_ready standin’. I’m already standin’. On the ground.”

I’m sitting in bed.  I can barely stand now….. It’s something to work upon.  The ground.

Good Self-Esteem Propetuates Social Justice and Our Own Values


Good Self-Esteem Propetuates Social Justice and Our Own Values

I drew this picture at one point in time. I was in the art garage at the transitional housing where I first began learning how to create my boundaries within myself and with others around me. The program itself is not what gave me my tools. For those struggling with life’s issues (and we all do), no one can give you the answers or give you a magic formula to erase your own mess. This does not mean that there is no possibility for resolution. Perhaps rather than form our self-concepts or self value based on others’ desires about us, we could form these based on our own needs and wishes, non-judgmentally, and then say to ourselves, it’s okay. I’m not inherently flawed as a person. I think this can be a great challenge if you are consistently struggling with an issue that weighs heavily upon you, like a disability or a difference that seems to generate a lot of stigma. One thing I’ve learned to overcome my reaction is to say to myself, other people’s reactions are their own reactions. That is their problem. If I have enough problems of my own, why do I need to add to them by taking on another person’s opinion of my situation? Clearly, they do not know me as well as I know myself. I also do not know their life as well as I would hope they do. Maybe the idea of standing next to people, not leading, not following, just accepting as equals … Or at least honoring others’ perspective, acknowledging there is value in what they have to say or deciding your own course based on the information they have shared with you. After all, it’s not their journey. It’s your life. They are not going to have to live with your decisions about what you do; you are.

Is it good enough YET? Am I on target? Whose target are we talking about, anyway?


Description unavailable

Description unavailable (Photo credit: ♥Je m'appelle Laura♥)

Drained self esteem, in a can

Drained self esteem, in a can (Photo credit: mary hodder)

self-esteem, groups and hate

self-esteem, groups and hate (Photo credit: Will Lion)

Apparently, in someone’s life, for example, mine, sometimes there are folks who feel the need to set standards for others.  I understand this is important in certain contexts: academic, career/job-related requirements, expectations with regards to personal relationships, maybe also the expectations of authority figures that we may feel are important enough to place value in such a way that they may shape our very self-worth.  Is this true?  I think so, at least in my case.

I tried to craft an e-mail to my former teaching credential adviser.  I started to ramble.  Also, the nature of the information I found myself sharing was utterly personal, never mind the fact that I did not know how to even face my own feelings in this regard and how they may or may not have impacted my feelings about myself.

Is it only in Westernized industrial culture that we place our self worth so heavily upon expectations of others, particularly in the employment/career-related tracks of life?

The only other framework worth mentioning in this context is that of intimate relationships.  In my own experience and I’ll wager in others’, it seems very likely to place some kind of self-judgment in response to events that occur to include the response of our partner and the overall success of the relationship as a whole.

Why?  Why do we, I or why does anyone else, for that matter, why does anyone regard another’s opinion as a measurement of our own self worth?

The definition of self esteem as I’ve come to learn through personal strife as well as academic circles has to do with internalized self worth that is not dependent on another’s judgment.  In fact, the root of the assumption that one has what would be considered supposedly “good self esteem” is that in having this self esteem we are somehow as if made of rubber.  The negative opinions of others do not invade our sense of entitlement to respect and ultimately our worth as individuals.

Perhaps I am pondering this in a broad sense as an overall construct, but I’m also breaking it down for myself.  I’m questioning, why is it such a barrier?  Why do I feel like others’ opinions of me can in any way define my quality as a person and my effectiveness as an individual?  I know they cannot.

I practice affirmations at times, yet sometimes I have trouble writing some of them.  Affirmations are generally speaking positive statements about oneself that someone might say out loud every day or read to themselves or use in some other way to engender feelings of self esteem.

A simple one is this:  My self worth is inherent.  I define myself in my own terms, and I am unique.  Nobody else has the power to judge me or to change my ability to take care of myself.  I am powerful beyond measure if I allow, or I am quiet to the point if whisper if I choose.  It is my choice, and I live my life in the best way I know, by my own standards, and I live by my own conscience.  I don’t have to be perfect by others’ standards to be everything I need to be.

Break from the Blog


In my quest for self-balance, time to reflect away from the internetualization of the world, well. . . it is critical to my wellness, but it is sorely lacking at the moment.  I am alerting you that this blog is not suspended permanently.  I just need to decompress from the blogosphere at the present moment.  Stay tuned for my return.  I hope I don’t lose my small readership, but this is definitely needed.

Online Vacation


I am taking a vacation from blogsville, Faceland, Twitsterland, and any other online medium except for e-mail.  It’s greatly needed, but I will be back maybe in a week.  Sayonara or aloha, however you want to say it.

Amazement!


Wordpress, Technorati, GBC stickers

Wordpress, Technorati, GBC stickers (Photo credit: Titanas)

I always wonder what other people think of WordPress statistics like the ones I’ve posted below.  It’s amazing to think someone from Macedonia might see my random ramblings about my personal life struggles.  In a way, I hope some of what I write here can be universally relevant.  We all have families in some respect, whether we are merely the product of our own (probably dysfunctional but lovable) ones or trying to be managers of our own little special, beautiful messes.

I hope you all can relate to what’s being said, anyone who is reading this.  I always wonder what people feel in regards to my stories, how much it resonates, how much it makes you think about your own life or experience someone else’s through vicarious satisfaction.

I would invite anyone to share bits about their own kids, but I know that’s a sensitive subject.  I’d love to learn others’ experience.

Anyway, these stats about countries…. interesting, no?  I wonder what a person from Lithuania or India or the Czech Republic thinks about my life?  I just wonder, that’s all.  I wonder how much they can relate or does it matter what country you’re from?  Just curious is all I am; curious.

Top Views by Country for all days ending 2012-03-26 (Summarized)

All Time

Country Views
United States FlagUnited States 222
Canada FlagCanada 13
Netherlands FlagNetherlands 8
Czech Republic FlagCzech Republic 6
Israel FlagIsrael 4
Italy FlagItaly 4
Lithuania FlagLithuania 4
Mexico FlagMexico 3
Brazil FlagBrazil 3
Guatemala FlagGuatemala 3
Singapore FlagSingapore 2
Austria FlagAustria 2
United Kingdom FlagUnited Kingdom 2
Thailand FlagThailand 2
Australia FlagAustralia 2
Moldova, Republic of FlagMoldova 1
India FlagIndia 1
Sweden FlagSweden 1
Macedonia, the former Yugoslav Republic of FlagMacedonia 1
Poland FlagPoland 1
Norway FlagNorway 1
Argentina FlagArgentina 1

Can I find it in my heart to have acceptance of things I wish were different? And is it true then that I really wish them different after all?


Mindfulness

Mindfulness (Photo credit: Cathdew)

I used to be a part of a group at the other mental health office — DBT, dialectical behavioral therapy.  It’s a type of cognitive behavioral therapy intended to stop people from doing self destructive things.  I’m thinking maybe it’s time to get back to it.  There’s a major emphasis on acceptance and being mindful.  These are things I desperately lack.  I lacked mindfulness when I tripped over a bottle and fractured my ankle.  I lack acceptance of the basic facts about my mental health — the treatment, the best way to work with it, the need to accept the limitations inherent.  I lack acceptance often of my baby’s adoption.  It feels unjust although it is very possibly the right thing.  I lack acceptance of some of my own strengths, which causes me to throw away some of the possibilities of achievement inherent in them.

It’s time to reclaim myself again.  I’ve allowed myself to languish too long.  It’s true I’ve needed to recover from my fall.  The fall was a symptom, though.  The way I’ve been acting, I know I’ve been manic or hypomanic recently.  I know Chris hasn’t labeled it as such, but it is blatant to anyone who would pay attention.

I think it’s just been in the past two weeks.

I have a doctor’s appointment this coming week, I believe.  I’ll confirm it.  I’ll make sure I can go.  And I’ll ask the questions necessary. . . set up transportation or see if I’m able to get on the bus safely.

I’m going to be venturing out on my own just down the street with my crutch for the first time since I fell.  I had been nervous because I didn’t want to fall again.  I kind of stayed home.  I think, actually, perhaps I may have made only one other trip.  I forget if I did or not.  I know I’ve gone down to the store with Chris a couple times.  This weekend, he helped me get to the DMV.  He also helped me around the house.

My mood was elevated, and I was overly angry at times.  I was just lecturing.  I’ve also been really serious and intense.  I think these are symptoms, maybe irritability.  I would have to verify, but I really think so.

Anyway, I’ll do what I have to do this week.

My house is stocked with healthy food because a church friend, who’s also the minister’s wife, gave me a ride over to the store again.  She’s really sweet.  They’re moving because her husband didn’t seem to find his true passion with this congregation.  I guess sometimes that’s just how it is.

I’d like to get to church for a little while before they leave.  I’d like to move up in my independence, maybe drive myself there.  I need to find some kind of efficient way to get over there.  I’ll work it out.  I feel it’s an important part of my life.

Next month, April, is a big month in my life always.  It used to be the end of the year was somehow significant because my birthday was in Christmas time and because my grandfather’s was just around Thanksgiving.  The whole season was packed more than anything.  Now April is my wedding anniversary (10th), my father’s birthday — God rest his soul (5th), and my son’s birthday (24th).  Last year, on my father’s birthday, my son was taken out of my custody.  That was the last day that I cared for my son in my own home.

Is it tragic?  I could say it’s part of what I had a feeling would happen for some time before it did happen.  I just had an intuition that this was not going to be an easy road, that there would be roadblocks, and probably it would not go smoothly.

When I found out I would be pregnant, I was asked whether I wanted to keep the baby, put him up for adoption or — terminate.  I knew for a fact I would not terminate him; that much was certain.  I’m pro-choice in general, but I knew I would not kill my own.  I remember lying on the hospital bed where I was when I found out.  I just stayed in bed and got up to walk around, drink chamomile tea a bit.  I don’t remember if they removed all my meds or not.  All I know is that I accepted it.  I accepted the plan that I felt was not completely my own but that had been a choice I made one way or another.

I am so glad I accepted that.  I am so, so glad.  I would never have had any part of this road change other than maybe the fact that David had to go through so much medical strife when he was first born, in the first six months of life.  I would always have chosen to give birth, to raise him if I could, and if it was not workable, if he was not getting what he could from me — I knew I would have to let go and let him have the life he deserves, the best life possible.  This is what I’ve always known deep down, and this is why I made that initial choice.

Now I know.  I know I made the right decision, and I know that everything is for the best.  It’s amazing to say that at long last.  I just know everything will be fine.  And I’m grateful, so very much.