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Tag Archives: adoption

(accidentally posted twice

[Was having trouble posting this.  Anyone who read this version, go see the other one, thanks.]


Spilled Soup/Loss of Wisdom/Other Feelings of Loss

Tonight I made a simple soup:  Cabbage, fresh tomato, red potato, onion powder, vegetable broth, water, no added salt.  Unfortunately, my unwarranted pride over this mixture went just before the proverbial fall.  I was holding the large, white, plastic dollar store bowl in a way that I thought would allow the hot contents to be viewed through my webcam by my husband.  I tried to restart the laptop, but it was too late.  Instead of the usual screen that would precede the Windows 7 logo, it was a lime green, then it would not start at all.  I may have taken out accident insurance on this one.  We shall see when Christopher goes with me to Best Buy.  Right now, I am just updating from an app for WordPress from my phone.

In other events, I had my top wisdom teeth out on Monday.  The top right is still sore, and I am limited in food.  I had not had many fresh vegetables since then, so maybe this was why I got so excited abouted cabbage/potato/tomato soup.

Today was the first real visit of the new year with our son.  It was also the last one for my mother and Christopher.  There had been some time just before the parental rights hearing but not substantial. 

I can feel Christopher’s sadness when I talk to him.  He feels his son will never want to know him as he gets older.  I hope his feelings do not cause an unintentional wall possibly built by Christopher himself.  I am not sure my place — if any — in their relationship.  I just always hope and pray for the best as always.

Applied Behavior Analysis, Open Adoption, Newsletter Editing, Ideas for New Writing Projects

For the sake of order (a quality which I often lack),  I will provide a list of topics at the beginning of this entry.  It may not be necessary, but at least, you will know which will interest you the most and it may even help to assist you in deciphering the information as you read.

  • Applied Behavior Analysis – A field in psychology in which behavior is understood as resulting from various causes and will always have an effect, similar to the laws of physics having predictable outcomes (although most people do not regard human behavior quite this precisely, there are noticeable patterns which may be observed and measured)
  • Open Adoption – The result of the hearing was termination of parental rights with a recommendation for continued contact between our son and ourselves.
  • Newsletter Editing – I am coagulating the information that has been submitted to me by members of our mental health community in my county.  It is a big job as I am finding out.
  • Ideas for New Writing Projects – I have various ideas for other children’s books: one is about turtles, another is a longer nonfiction account of my experiences.  I am playing with ideas.  The children’s book is more tangible of an idea for me.  I am also just slowly beginning to market my book.  I need to email someone at a local art gallery/used book shop.

That’s pretty much it.  My husband is over for the weekend.  I’m trying to learn to be a better cook.  I went to see the adoption social worker.  I need to get in touch with a program called Kinship Center (link is on the front page, sorry for not linking here, lazy).  They have a support group for people who have given up a child to be adopted.  It would help me probably to talk to others.  I don’t want to get overly involved since there’s a lot I’m actually doing right now.

The Applied Behavior Analysis is something I’ve considered in the past.  Someone mentioned it to me by way of a college recruiter.  I don’t know if I messed up by asking them to call another time or send an email.  I hope that is not too much of a problem.  I think it would be a good fit since that is what I do much of the time anyway.

Open adoption; I will not mess that up.  The family is very kind.  I hope I can support my husband to become more comfortable with them.  I don’t know how to do so in an effective and gentle way.

About the newsletter, I’m just in the assembling process.  It’s my first time working with Microsoft Publisher very much.  I may have used it for other projects, but maybe it was a long while ago.  I don’t know.

My writing ideas…. I have to get them down.  Maybe I will post my story that I told aloud to my husband today while at the bus stop.  It involved a turtle and he sees a rock.  The rock is not what it appears to be.  It’s a story for children, but I feel adults would enjoy it too.

I get to see my son along with my mother on the 27th.  I’m going to try to see what I can do about what’s happening with my husband and his contact with David, but I don’t know if it’s my problem.  I do feel it’s in David’s best interest to know his birth father.  I don’t want him to completely shun him.  So far, he seems to be distancing himself.

Decreased Visitation and Publishing on Lulu

So it is finally happening, the thing I have been dreading: The transition towards permanent adoption is beginning slowly but not slowly enough. Starting next week, I only get one visit a week (Fridays). This gives me too much time to feel sorry for myself or whatever other non-constructive emotions or actions I may engage in.

In other news, I’ve decided take the first steps in publishing on . It’s going to be really cool. I’ll get to publish for free, and I’ll get 80% royalties back. If I publish before a certain date in December this year, I get one copy of the book free. I’m going to publish the story that’s in my story section on this site, the story titled The Bears of the Wood. I may not make boatloads of money right off the bat, but at least I’ll have done


. Something is better than nothing.

I feel sometimes I do have nothing, but I don’t. It’s an illusion. I have a lot more than some people have even if I may not have all of what other people have or even half of what I may want. I can always work harder and always accomplish more. I’m not halfway through my lifespan most likely, and there’s time. There’s always time. And possibilities. And love. And hope.

The Adventures of the Greenpeace Job Interview, the Court Hearing, and the HP Pavilion g series with cordless Logitech mouse

Here I am, finally, sitting at the desk which my separated husband Christopher left at the apartment when he moved out. I’m finally on my own compter, an HP Pavilion g series, which I just purchased at Best Buy right next to my apartment. It was a good deal. The computer is very fast. It’s Windows 7 again. With the old Toshiba AMD, I had cleaned the keyboard an improper fashion and caused damage to it almost as soon as I did so. I waited a little while, and today as I was coming home, I purchased its replacement, a brand new HP Pavilion g series with Logitech wireless mouse in blue. It’s a nice setup. Later on, I might get wireless installed, but maybe not. Maybe this is enough. I’ve usually just used my computer at the desk. Now I’m going to try to keep a policy like my father once had of no food or drink at the computer. That way I will not get it dirty and feel compelled to clean it and get it wet.

This morning was the court appointment to terminate reunification services with David. He will be adopted by the family who has been acting as his foster parents, the Rasmussens. We will still have visits until the family moves for the adoptive father’s job in the Navy. They will keep a Facebook page to allow us to keep in contact.

I have an interview with the San Jose office for Greenpeace International set for next Tuesday at 4:00pm. I would be going by Monterey Salinas Transit, Santa Cruz Metro and Amtrak bus. I’m going to be trying to change it to Wednesday instead of Tuesday in order to be able to make my appointment with my social worker Yvette on Tuesday. I have to check what time that appointment is. I have it in my small appointment book.

I’m not hungry much right now even though I had only one light meal of salad and a plum later. I guess I am slightly hungry. I could have some whole grain crackers and some of the almond butter I got at the farmer’s market for $6. I love almond butter!

Visiting with David and Granny Sally (plus thoughts about upcoming anniversary of 9/11/2001)

This morning I got a late start to getting over to my visit with David. I was running late, so I got a cab from the bus transit downtown over to the Quadrangle. My visit was half of the time with David by himself and half of the time with my mom as well. We had decided to call my mom Granny Sally, but I guess that will have little purpose unless I decide to have another child later on.

I’ve been talking to my friend who lives in New York, Irfan. He has always really liked me although we live far away. He lives in Brooklyn but is from Pakistan originally. He is a Muslim and practices the traditions. He’s a very nice person, but I’m not ready to consider my next move in terms of men yet. I’m not sure whether I’m even ready to take the next step in divorcing Chris. The social worker for the court recommended taking things slow in case we reunify. It may or may not work out.

The day after tomorrow is the tenth anniversary of the September 11, 2001 attack on the World Trade Center in New York City. There was a Word Press blog that I saw which was taking a day by day approach to counting the days after the attack. I left a comment about having been at a Zen retreat on that day. I was at Tassajara, which is in Cachagua in the mountains of Carmel Valley. I was with a friend, Mackenzie. We were attending the work period and staying for free in exchange for six hours of work that day. I was the only one who did not go into the temple that day and pray, even Mackenzie who is atheist went in, and that is significant. I needed time to digest and process on my own, even if that meant the kitchen staff woman could not go in. I felt bad as if I might have kept her from something she wanted to do, but I needed the time to center myself individually. I don’t know if that makes me a different kind of person, or what. I just needed the alone time at that moment. Maybe I needed to stay busy and centered by working in the kitchen. I don’t know. All I know is that I was afraid.

When we got back from the retreat, there was a woman in the car we got a ride in who was from Australia. It was apparently her first time in America. She came to the street where my parents were because that was where I was staying and where I was being dropped off. She said, “So this is an American neighborhood.” I thought to myself how this was not a typical neighborhood. There really isn’t one. And that certainly wasn’t a typical time in America.

We were all unified in a new way that day, I think. My father was somewhat of an extremist when he was alive. He believed in a lot of what people would call “crack pot” theories. When people in the news said they saw the devil in the smoke that came off the World Trade Center, he said he could see it.

My father actually died the next year of suicide. He did not live that long in the post-9/11 world. My whole personal and mental world changed since that time as well. I wonder sometimes if 9/11 triggered some of my personal mental health crisis. It was definitely a challenging time for a lot of people. The world had changed, I had personally changed, and it was not a small change. It was a big change.

Now, ten years later, we have a different president, the head of Al Qaeda has been captured, we have a new set of wars, and we are about to have a new election next year. Some indigenous cultures, particularly ancient Mayan culture believes that in the year 2012 the calender starts over. This means the world sort of recycles itself. Some people, some New Age folks and other folks have taken that to mean that it is the “end of the world” at that time. There is always some collection of people who are predicting doomsday. My father was one of them. I am not so much one of those people. If the world is going to end, I want to have accomplished all I want but be accepting and peaceful about it. I don’t want to be involved in any fighting at the time.

I’m starting to feel peaceful in general. Someone wished me peace with my decision to accept David going to be adopted. Now I’m starting to feel that way for the first time. It’s a strange feeling. My friend Rose told me that her mother gave up her brother for adoption and she did not know about him until she was maybe 13 years old. She said her mother old her that it was the hardest thing she ever had to do. Still, she said it was for the better. I can totally relate.

My baby was born in the post-9/11 world. He will never know a time when there was not that part of history. Maybe he will ask his adoptive parents about it. Maybe he will talk to me about it if he ever comes looking for me someday as he gets older. Or maybe he will just come and tell me how he feels about me. I pray it will be a positive interaction. I pray he will appreciate my positive intentions in giving him a better life with a competent family.

I will never stop loving my boy no matter where he goes in life. There is supposed to be a Facebook page, a private one, that they will make for me to keep track of whatever David will be doing as he gets older. I will like that.