[Was having trouble posting this. Anyone who read this version, go see the other one, thanks.]
Tag Archives: love
If you want to ask me tonight, “Are you okay?” my first answer would be a pause. I would have to think.
The next would be a move to answer with something noncommittal — “Sure”, “Yeah, “Uh huh”. I could not give you a “Yes” or even a “Maybe.” I certainly couldn’t say “For sure.” These are the answers of someone who has accepted tacitly something that they feel they should not have to accept. Maybe I feel the cards are stacked against me, but who shuffled the deck? What am I jabbering about now, right now at 3:32 pm PST?
Dear Reader, I’m talking about my son. I love him dearly, and in less than two days the decision to remove my rights as a parent are supposed to be nullified in an actual court of law. I am boggled that this act can be achieved. Aren’t these rights sacred? Since when did you need a license to give birth? Might as well hand out tags to pin to one’s bellybutton, save all those girls the trouble of getting them pierced. Maybe I should have been initiated? Maybe I didn’t read the manual properly? Maybe I haven’t done everything I should to prove that I love my child? What is it? I’d really like to know.
I know I have a mental illness. I’ve learned about that nonstop for the last ten years, the same ten years since my father left me and the same ten years when I started having every major life event be tainted by the mystique of “You’re not good enough because you have a lifelong psychiatric disorder.” I’m probably supposed to be ashamed to even write this blog. I’m probably supposed to hide my identity, dress in weird or dirty clothing, talk about conspiracies every waking minute, and not give a darn about anything but the inner world and the workings of my internal melodrama.
I don’t know if there’s anything “legally” I can do. I don’t know if it will get me anywhere, but I know for myself personally, I cannot live with myself as a mother and a person unless I at least know what’s possible. I know I have little more than one day, but you know, I can at least have time to make a call or two to the right people.
Should I be punished because I had a bad day, a moment of grief? Maybe it’s my fault for letting that run my life for so long? Probably. Maybe it’s my fault for not being responsible while my dear child was in my care? Probably. Maybe I am scared both ways: Scared to give up my son but scared to do what it takes to keep him? There, I said it. I’m scared to screw up, because there’s the safest way and there’s the best way. Deciding if the two converge, that’s the part that is left up to interpretation. That’s what the courts want to do. Maybe they need help? Probably.
Just as I was reading another blog here on WordPress (not surprisingly, a blog where people are following it and commenting, unlike my own: Comment, please!), Chris was in my living room watching a movie and he calls across the apartment saying, “You don’t love me, do you?” He was saying this yesterday, too, as we went to bed. He was being a sulky brat, in my opinion. He doesn’t need to do that. It’s confusing.
It’s confusing because at one minute he says he is moving on, the next he says he wants to be friends, yet another time he’ll say he wants to try to work on the relationship and another time yet again he asks whether we should work on divorce papers ourselves. It’s like he’s sending mixed messages, which he doesn’t even own up to doing.
Chris and I have different ideas about relationships, and I don’t know why that is. He says he doesn’t agree that relationships/marriage is work. He thinks work is painful. Should I take it that he doesn’t take the relationships seriously, then? He doesn’t take communication seriously, either, in the relationship. Should I take it that it’s not possible to have a marriage with someone who doesn’t understand what is important to me in one? Maybe he’s not cut out to be married. Maybe I’m asking too much. Maybe I’m being a pushover trying again.
Here we go again, embarking on a mission to try to succeed in helping our marriage, this time without counseling, just on our own terms. We shall see. I want us to support each other and be good to each other. I want us to love each other and carry each other over the rough patches. I want us to grow together and foster new hopes, aspirations and courage. I want us to share in the glory of aging gracefully together. I want our marriage to stand the test of time and tribulation. I want us to traverse the minefields and the morning glories together. I want us to wade through the shallow end and swim to the deep end of life together. I want us to tunnel underground, over mountains, and trek over rocky peaks together in the journey of life. I want us to experience things together, new and old. I want us to share our joys and sorrows together. I want us to guide each other to each new experience and make them that much more memorable because we were there together. I want us to be individuals but a pair nonetheless. I want love to flourish.
I should start praying morning and night and at random times. I’ve gotten out of the habit of meditation again, but I will start. And I will add prayer.
My husband’s and my marital relationship has gone upward recently although we are still separated (not legally, just living apart). Our relationship is going strong. We get together most weekends. Last weekend, he came over starting Friday night after we had counseling that day and saw David, then on Saturday we went all the way out to Carmel Valley and went to Carmel Valley Fiesta and had a good time. We saw my mom after that and brought her pizza from the little store next to her house at Rosie’s Crackerbarrel. After that, we had a Thai Village dinner, and it was really, really good. We had a little trouble getting back to my place because the buses has stopped at 7:15 and we were kind of stuck in the valley. We were looking for a cab when a kind stranger offered us a ride to Monterey bus transit plaza where we caught a bus to Salinas, then a taxi to my home here. The next day, on Sunday, we had brunch at First Awakenings followed by iced coffee then watching Rise of Planet of the Apes. After that, Chris went home and I went to my own home.
Yesterday, my mom came to the visit with David but was a half hour or so late. She had extreme difficulty walking around and the people at the building were concerned. They thought she should get a wheelchair. It’s not sure she will. She might just get another walker. I was very concerned about her because she had so much trouble just getting from place to place. It was really concerning.
Besides all this, I need to get my life on track with managing my finances and keeping track of my spending as well as my eating. I’ve been eating out way too much, and it has to stop. I need to eat at home the majority of the time. It’s not good for my body or my budget to eat out at every meal. It also sends me psychologically into a weird place, I think. It’s hard to explain. It probably just makes me feel disorganized, which leads to different types of problems, hard to explain.
I’m going to be getting back on track also with diet and exercise. Today I’m going to the gym and Omni Center, then I was going to meet Chris at the bus stop and he was going to help me with my vacuum cleaner, plus I guess we will visit for a spell.
Getting back on track is not the hard part. It’s staying that way that is the challenge. 🙂
Tomorrow my beloved husband, whom I am living apart from is turning 41. Yay Christopher, you’ve survived another year on the planet! Hurrah! Hurrah! Siss boom bah!
Also, tomorrow, we start counseling to pick up the pieces of our marriage, and here’s praying it is a success. We can only get out of it what we put into it, and I intend to put my full being into it, that much of myself as I can reasonably spare.
Chris will be going out to eat with his mother. Later in the week, we’re still deciding if and what we might plan to do. We’ve considered going to Santa Cruz to the boardwalk, but I looked up the concert that evening (free) and I’m not sure if it’s going to be that good this week. We could always go on rides, of course.
I intend to work out that day as well, and of course, I work out the next day too considering I’m attempting a full five days this week (Wednesdays and Sundays being my chillaxing days).
We will also have come from seeing David that day, Chris at 9:00 am, me at 10:00 am. Dear David, dear sweet, innocent, angelic David. How I love thee and thine daddy.
Anyway, enough of the mushy stuff. I said a prayer when I was with my son on Monday. I decided I should start praying morning and night, and I’m going to start trying to do it. Actually, I’m not going to ‘try’. I’m going to DO. There is no ‘try’. Do or do not. That’s how my life is. On or off; hot or cold. Yin and yang.
I got Chris some DVDs including music DVDs with CDs included and also a card that has a CD with music from the year 1970 since Chris was born in 1970. That should be fun. I wrote a long note. It was very heartfelt.
I pray that our family can be reunified someday. I pray every day. I should formalize my prayers so that God will know I am serious. Time to get serious with my faith, right? God doesn’t want slackers.