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Got my check today, but it’s not cleared. Had just over $20 that I was able to scrounge, so…

I’m ordering pizza, pasta and diet Coke from Domino’s. So I’m going back on my dieting plans. So what? I couldn’t starve myself, and I’m waiting for my check to clear. Bite me! And I’ll bite the pizza! Nom, nom, nom.


Few Steps Forward, Few Steps Back: Also the Waiting Game to See About Possibilities

My last rootbeer

So I had decided since last week not to interview for the Greenpeace job. It would have paid well, given good benefits, and even a 401k (not so sure what that means, but I’m sure it’s a good thing to have). I’m looking instead at going back to school at University of the Rockies. I would still be in the Master of Arts in Psychology only my concentration would change from Mediation and Conflict Resolution to Non-Profit Management. I’m waiting to see if I am eligible. Enrollment/start of school starts in less than a week. I’ve called twice yesterday when a guy named Robert in the enrollment department said he would call me in the afternoon yesterday but did not. This caused some anxiety. I was trebitatious already about “giving it another go” in school. His lack of commitment to calling me back after he talked me into starting earlier than I anticipated was not reassuring to say the least.

I’ve been enjoying my visits with David. My munchkin is so sweet, and he’s grown very attached to his soon-to-be adoptive family without losing his feelings toward myself and his birth daddy, it seems. He has two families. What baby could be more lucky? So much love going around. Aaaah…. Feel the love!

And feel the fat building up all over my body, as well. I intended to stick to my Joel Furhman Eat to Live plan, but I have still not been very successful. I asked my mom to give me some nutrition tips last night because she used to be about as overweight as I am now, and she lost maybe 40 lbs. If I could get to at least below 200 lbs, I would feel like I had accomplished something. Maybe that’s just it. Maybe I am setting my goals too high (or too low in this case). Maybe I don’t need to make unrealistic goals to be super skinny again. Maybe just to get to an upwardly healthy weight would be enough. I could make my goal to be to get to the higher edge of healthy for my height and body type. And not have a crazy unrealistic goal like eating only fruits and vegetables. Maybe just calorie counting and eating lots of fruits and vegetables and cutting out soda and high calorie items, and portion controlling, maybe all that would help. Maybe having realistic expectations without being too restrictive and hard on myself. Maybe in setting unrealistic goals, I was in actuality setting myself up to not follow any of it.

I ordered pizza and fatty pastas and two kinds of soda and cinnamon bread yesterday for dinner. So bad. My clothes are not going to fit soon, and these were the clothes that I got that were bigger because I needed new clothes after I had the baby. So potentially depressing.

I can’t keep expecting to lose weight if I stuff myself with chips, pizza, soda, and junk food of all types. There’s no way. I have to make a concrete choice. Do I want to eat junk food all the time or do I want to lose weight? Maybe cutting out junk food forever is not required, but having it so often, especially at the beginning when I’m trying to have a real impact and lose those first few pounds…. Maybe that is an act of self-sabatoge. I have to be stronger than that.

The thing is: I don’t know why I think I need junk food. I think it is habit. I think I believe it will taste good, and for a fleeting instance it might. However, when I get to the end of eating it, I don’t feel good, I don’t feel proud of myself, and I haven’t done myself any favors. So what’s it gonna be: Junk food and junk in the trunk? Or a proud, healthy, conscientious person who respects herself enough to care about what goes in her body? I say option number two.

Now, to pour out the soda. It’s time.