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Tag Archives: weight loss

Wilma the Conqueror: Winning the Battle of the Bulge


This title might be preemptive.  I have not yet lost more than about 15 pounds.  Still, I am going to lose over a hundred pounds, no matter how long it takes me, preferably within a year.  If it takes me longer, I will keep going.  I will pursue my objective and I will not give up.  This is not just about a number on the scale; far from it.  This is about my self respect as a human being, as a mother, as a wife, as an individual, as an American, as a lover of possibilities, and mostly just as Wilma, I, me, myself.

 

I have hemmed and hawed and pretended to care and pretended to try and made promises to myself and pretended again, and the reason I saw no results was that I was pretending and lying to myself.  I didn’t want to really lose weight; I just wanted to tell everyone I did.  I wanted to pretend that I loved myself when inside I was filled with self-loathing.  It’s a hard thing to admit and talk about in public, so I kept the feelings quiet and dormant, then just pretended to be health conscious and went about my merry business shoveling my face full of French fries and ice cream.

 

Oh, I was in denial of the worst sort.  I was in denial that I had a problem.  It was a thin denial, translucent, because on the other side, I was sure that everyone could see that I really wanted to be healthy.  I just didn’t see the need to try.  I would try for a week or two then give up.  I’d eat something I knew wasn’t helping me, and the whole thing would be over.  I’d gain more weight and be back to business as usual, vegetarian but fat, and not healthy, not caring about myself, and not succeeding at the business of caring for others either (which I thought I was doing rather well).

 

Fast forward to “The Now” as they call it and you’ll see someone who really understands that you cannot care for others until you take sufficient care of yourself.  It’s a lesson I had to learn time and time again.  I’ve stated it in another entry of this blog.  It’s an important point, though.  To be a caring person, to care for anyone, truly, one must care for oneself.  This is what was lacking in my past.  This is what I’m putting into practice In the Now.

 

 

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Crunches, push-ups, squats, meditation


It’s almost time to ‘hit the sack’ as my belated father would say (God rest his soul). I’ve gotten into the habit of doing stretches, exercises, and meditation before bed and when I wake up. I had gotten out of this habit but am starting anew again.

I’ve also started tracking my calories and exercise as well as getting support from the website SparkPeople.com. It’s something I’ve used for a long time, and I’m going to stick to it now. I’ve stopped gaining weight. It’s leveled off. I just have to make it through the holiday season that way (without gaining weight, hopefully losing instead).

I’m tired of this living separately business. My husband is over right now (sleeping), and I miss when we were a family. So sad. Sigh.

Apartment Hunting, Volunteering and Goals


I started looking on to find a one bedroom apartment. I favor South Salinas for a change of scenery. I found a couple for as low as $600 or $620. The one for $600 actually has a washer and dryer in the unit, a luxury to which I’ve grown very accustomed. I don’t want to get backlogged laundry.

Thursday I start volunteering. I’m going to go to the gym and Omni tomorrow. I’m going to try making a goal of going to the gym three to five days a week. I have already had this goal actually, just have not done it in too long. I need to get back to it. Tomorrow’s the day.

I also have been meditating and doing crunches and pushups in my bed every morning and night. It’s a good practice. I have to also start having some tea. I think I’ll do that tonight.

My good friend Tiffany-Lynn Cotta works at Omni Resource Center and is in Hawaii with her dad right now. She said when she gets back, she will help me make a WRAP (Wellness Recovery Action Plan). I’m also going to ask for more days volunteering at Omni. I’m really, really hoping it leads to paid hours. I’m hurting financially, and that is part of the reason I’m looking at moving to lower cost of living situation. I’m just not sure I can make it much longer this way.

My goals, as I posted on Facebook, are to lose the weight I’ve accumulated over the years, especially the large amounts from meds and from baby weight. I’m working on it. After losing weight, I’d like to look seriously into the Master of Science in Nutrition and Clinical Health Psychology. Later on, maybe I could look into getting an additional degree in Ayurveda although I’m not that well-versed. I’d like to learn about it.

I’ve ordered lots of vegan meal replacement, so I’m going to use that to make my efforts a little more easy. I’ll just mix it with light plain soy milk or whatever the recommendation is. I think soy milk should be fine. I ordered three different flavors for variety.

Few Steps Forward, Few Steps Back: Also the Waiting Game to See About Possibilities


My last rootbeer

So I had decided since last week not to interview for the Greenpeace job. It would have paid well, given good benefits, and even a 401k (not so sure what that means, but I’m sure it’s a good thing to have). I’m looking instead at going back to school at University of the Rockies. I would still be in the Master of Arts in Psychology only my concentration would change from Mediation and Conflict Resolution to Non-Profit Management. I’m waiting to see if I am eligible. Enrollment/start of school starts in less than a week. I’ve called twice yesterday when a guy named Robert in the enrollment department said he would call me in the afternoon yesterday but did not. This caused some anxiety. I was trebitatious already about “giving it another go” in school. His lack of commitment to calling me back after he talked me into starting earlier than I anticipated was not reassuring to say the least.

I’ve been enjoying my visits with David. My munchkin is so sweet, and he’s grown very attached to his soon-to-be adoptive family without losing his feelings toward myself and his birth daddy, it seems. He has two families. What baby could be more lucky? So much love going around. Aaaah…. Feel the love!

And feel the fat building up all over my body, as well. I intended to stick to my Joel Furhman Eat to Live plan, but I have still not been very successful. I asked my mom to give me some nutrition tips last night because she used to be about as overweight as I am now, and she lost maybe 40 lbs. If I could get to at least below 200 lbs, I would feel like I had accomplished something. Maybe that’s just it. Maybe I am setting my goals too high (or too low in this case). Maybe I don’t need to make unrealistic goals to be super skinny again. Maybe just to get to an upwardly healthy weight would be enough. I could make my goal to be to get to the higher edge of healthy for my height and body type. And not have a crazy unrealistic goal like eating only fruits and vegetables. Maybe just calorie counting and eating lots of fruits and vegetables and cutting out soda and high calorie items, and portion controlling, maybe all that would help. Maybe having realistic expectations without being too restrictive and hard on myself. Maybe in setting unrealistic goals, I was in actuality setting myself up to not follow any of it.

I ordered pizza and fatty pastas and two kinds of soda and cinnamon bread yesterday for dinner. So bad. My clothes are not going to fit soon, and these were the clothes that I got that were bigger because I needed new clothes after I had the baby. So potentially depressing.

I can’t keep expecting to lose weight if I stuff myself with chips, pizza, soda, and junk food of all types. There’s no way. I have to make a concrete choice. Do I want to eat junk food all the time or do I want to lose weight? Maybe cutting out junk food forever is not required, but having it so often, especially at the beginning when I’m trying to have a real impact and lose those first few pounds…. Maybe that is an act of self-sabatoge. I have to be stronger than that.

The thing is: I don’t know why I think I need junk food. I think it is habit. I think I believe it will taste good, and for a fleeting instance it might. However, when I get to the end of eating it, I don’t feel good, I don’t feel proud of myself, and I haven’t done myself any favors. So what’s it gonna be: Junk food and junk in the trunk? Or a proud, healthy, conscientious person who respects herself enough to care about what goes in her body? I say option number two.

Now, to pour out the soda. It’s time.