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Is it good enough YET? Am I on target? Whose target are we talking about, anyway?


Description unavailable

Description unavailable (Photo credit: ♥Je m'appelle Laura♥)

Drained self esteem, in a can

Drained self esteem, in a can (Photo credit: mary hodder)

self-esteem, groups and hate

self-esteem, groups and hate (Photo credit: Will Lion)

Apparently, in someone’s life, for example, mine, sometimes there are folks who feel the need to set standards for others.  I understand this is important in certain contexts: academic, career/job-related requirements, expectations with regards to personal relationships, maybe also the expectations of authority figures that we may feel are important enough to place value in such a way that they may shape our very self-worth.  Is this true?  I think so, at least in my case.

I tried to craft an e-mail to my former teaching credential adviser.  I started to ramble.  Also, the nature of the information I found myself sharing was utterly personal, never mind the fact that I did not know how to even face my own feelings in this regard and how they may or may not have impacted my feelings about myself.

Is it only in Westernized industrial culture that we place our self worth so heavily upon expectations of others, particularly in the employment/career-related tracks of life?

The only other framework worth mentioning in this context is that of intimate relationships.  In my own experience and I’ll wager in others’, it seems very likely to place some kind of self-judgment in response to events that occur to include the response of our partner and the overall success of the relationship as a whole.

Why?  Why do we, I or why does anyone else, for that matter, why does anyone regard another’s opinion as a measurement of our own self worth?

The definition of self esteem as I’ve come to learn through personal strife as well as academic circles has to do with internalized self worth that is not dependent on another’s judgment.  In fact, the root of the assumption that one has what would be considered supposedly “good self esteem” is that in having this self esteem we are somehow as if made of rubber.  The negative opinions of others do not invade our sense of entitlement to respect and ultimately our worth as individuals.

Perhaps I am pondering this in a broad sense as an overall construct, but I’m also breaking it down for myself.  I’m questioning, why is it such a barrier?  Why do I feel like others’ opinions of me can in any way define my quality as a person and my effectiveness as an individual?  I know they cannot.

I practice affirmations at times, yet sometimes I have trouble writing some of them.  Affirmations are generally speaking positive statements about oneself that someone might say out loud every day or read to themselves or use in some other way to engender feelings of self esteem.

A simple one is this:  My self worth is inherent.  I define myself in my own terms, and I am unique.  Nobody else has the power to judge me or to change my ability to take care of myself.  I am powerful beyond measure if I allow, or I am quiet to the point if whisper if I choose.  It is my choice, and I live my life in the best way I know, by my own standards, and I live by my own conscience.  I don’t have to be perfect by others’ standards to be everything I need to be.

Amazement!


Wordpress, Technorati, GBC stickers

Wordpress, Technorati, GBC stickers (Photo credit: Titanas)

I always wonder what other people think of WordPress statistics like the ones I’ve posted below.  It’s amazing to think someone from Macedonia might see my random ramblings about my personal life struggles.  In a way, I hope some of what I write here can be universally relevant.  We all have families in some respect, whether we are merely the product of our own (probably dysfunctional but lovable) ones or trying to be managers of our own little special, beautiful messes.

I hope you all can relate to what’s being said, anyone who is reading this.  I always wonder what people feel in regards to my stories, how much it resonates, how much it makes you think about your own life or experience someone else’s through vicarious satisfaction.

I would invite anyone to share bits about their own kids, but I know that’s a sensitive subject.  I’d love to learn others’ experience.

Anyway, these stats about countries…. interesting, no?  I wonder what a person from Lithuania or India or the Czech Republic thinks about my life?  I just wonder, that’s all.  I wonder how much they can relate or does it matter what country you’re from?  Just curious is all I am; curious.

Top Views by Country for all days ending 2012-03-26 (Summarized)

All Time

Country Views
United States FlagUnited States 222
Canada FlagCanada 13
Netherlands FlagNetherlands 8
Czech Republic FlagCzech Republic 6
Israel FlagIsrael 4
Italy FlagItaly 4
Lithuania FlagLithuania 4
Mexico FlagMexico 3
Brazil FlagBrazil 3
Guatemala FlagGuatemala 3
Singapore FlagSingapore 2
Austria FlagAustria 2
United Kingdom FlagUnited Kingdom 2
Thailand FlagThailand 2
Australia FlagAustralia 2
Moldova, Republic of FlagMoldova 1
India FlagIndia 1
Sweden FlagSweden 1
Macedonia, the former Yugoslav Republic of FlagMacedonia 1
Poland FlagPoland 1
Norway FlagNorway 1
Argentina FlagArgentina 1

Fracturization (As the Crutches Turn)


MetroPCS billboard, $40 Unlimited talk, text, web.

MetroPCS billboard, $40 Unlimited talk, text, web. (Photo credit: JC0598)

365 Day 69 Genetic Testing

365 Day 69 Genetic Testing (Photo credit: lornagrl) - Someone's hand after genetic testing

I have a good friend who is a deacon at a church called Bethel Missionary Baptist Church.  He kind of acts in a fatherly capacity and has ever since I started to have my life more intertwined with county mental health treatment.  I first started to talk to him before my life became controlled by the courts (conservatorship).  He continued to be a grounding source of wisdom during the time when I was institutionalized, later when I was at a board and care facility, and finally when I came back to the Monterey area to begin with the transitional housing community at which I met my husband almost five years ago.  He has stayed the course as a true friend, offering advice, frequent kind gestures, and support in general.  He helped me yesterday when I had to go to the orthopedic doctor to get my ankle examined and a wrap to stabilize it.

He also tried to take me grocery shopping, but I did not have my ID to make the check.  My credit union was not open.  I needed to activate my new card, but I could not that day.  As a result, I have not been able to pay my Metro PCS pre-paid phone bill.  I have to activate the card in person.  I e-mailed my friend, but he does not always check his e-mail.  I also e-mailed another friend who is wife of the minister at the church where I personally would attend.  Frustration.

My husband said he would come over this week and help me do some things, help me to get some food, maybe with showering (you know, hand me the towel, maybe help pull me out of the bathtub since I don’t have a seat for the shower, clean up).  He might not be able to come tomorrow because his mother is insistent that we get this genetic test for David.  I told my husband to tell her that I currently can’t afford it.  I am trying to get insurance to cover the test.  He told me she was upset at me for not being able to pay for it.  I tried to call the hospital before my phone was disconnected.  I left a message.  I was going to find out precisely how much the test costs and if they think the insurance I am currently applying for would cover that.  I can’t call now except using an online phone.  I’ve used Gmail, but I don’t know if it does long distance calls.  San Francisco is long distance to me.

Tired of frustration and stress, people not being understanding, tired I really am.  I told my mother that I think my mother-in-law does not really care one way or the other if I am well.  She (my mother) pointed out how Patricia (mother-in-law) sure enjoyed being around David.  I answered that she may enjoy that, but she really doesn’t seem to care at all about my interests.  Honestly, inside, I feel she wouldn’t care if I fell off this great Earth.  I’m sure that’s a terrible thing to say, but I get that impression.  I stayed with her for a couple months while my husband was going through some troubles, and she wasn’t very understanding when I was depressed while my marriage was in trouble and I had to stay away from my own home with the baby.  She didn’t seem very compassionate.  She wouldn’t even drive me to the doctor, only stay with the baby.  It seemed as if my own needs always came last.  I’m not sure if that is the way most in-laws are.  I don’t know, not having much experience.  I don’t know if I’m perceiving things differently.  I’m no expert, but I can only say how I feel.

I don’t know how long I have to just stay home while I wait for my ankle to be somewhat better.  I don’t know what the indication would be that I could do things on my own.  The doctor gave a six to eight week projected recovery period.  That timeline falls outside the anticipated date for my son’s birthday party.  I’m sure I could ask in three weeks when I go to see the orthopedic again.

Good grief, Charlie Brown.

 

The Poetry Challenge – Week 4 – A Letter To Myself


The Poetry Challenge – Week 4 – A Letter To Myself.

I am about to submit my poem, last one on the list in my poetry section.  I also cleaned up my layout on this site to be easier to read and, well. . . more organized.  I hope it’s enjoyable to some.  If you haven’t seen my writing and artwork, there is my poetry as well as my slideshow and gallery of art and my one essay.  There may be more to come.  Also, there’s a random bit for ideas.  I welcome people to share their thoughts, criticism or whatever you feel like sharing.  Get mad at me for my expressions, I don’t care.  I just want to know what effect it is having on readers.

Thanks.  Find the poem as I said in the Poetry section of this blog, and while you’re at it, if you’re into reading poetry, take a gander at the others on that page.  It’s a nice site if you’re into that sort of thing.

Some Things Just Are Not Important


Sometimes my husband and I quarrel over the silliest trifles.  Gameboys, brunches, bread, dinners, and these become names, and the names become volcanoes of venom that would probably end it all if we weren’t the small amount of careful that we are.  We walk a fine line between love and hate.  But we never hate each other.  We always love each other, but maybe it’s what we define as being love that changes our perception of one another.

This goes back to something the minister’s wife told me, recommended to me at one point: A group, kind of therapy but in someone’s private house, kind of a workshop, involving restructuring one’s expectations including what we want versus what is necessary.

For example, I might think it is necessary in my definition of love that my husband leaves here every time he goes away with a kiss and a very long goodbye.  I might think it necessary that he does little things for me around the house.  I might think it also necessary that when we get home from a day together that he would want to spend even more time together.  But no, maybe he just wants to spend his time with his Gameboy, and that’s all right.  He can do that.  I need to respect that.  There’s nothing wrong with him playing a game and me writing or working or watching a movie or reading.  Neither is better.  I don’t need to judge our time together.

I don’t need to be so dramatic.  Drama sucks, and I need to be mindful of its effect on people.  I have a tendency to be melodramatic even if I don’t admit it.  That can affect our relationship.  It can make it harder for me to accept situations in our lives.

Simple.  One of my New Year’s Resolutions was to be more simple.  I think I’m going to take some time out after doing chores today and working out to write some more about my resolutions.  Also, I’ll let my thoughts out about my son.  I can’t bottle them up, but I don’t need to talk about them every waking moment with Chris.  Balance.

Applied Behavior Analysis, Open Adoption, Newsletter Editing, Ideas for New Writing Projects


For the sake of order (a quality which I often lack),  I will provide a list of topics at the beginning of this entry.  It may not be necessary, but at least, you will know which will interest you the most and it may even help to assist you in deciphering the information as you read.

  • Applied Behavior Analysis – A field in psychology in which behavior is understood as resulting from various causes and will always have an effect, similar to the laws of physics having predictable outcomes (although most people do not regard human behavior quite this precisely, there are noticeable patterns which may be observed and measured)
  • Open Adoption – The result of the hearing was termination of parental rights with a recommendation for continued contact between our son and ourselves.
  • Newsletter Editing – I am coagulating the information that has been submitted to me by members of our mental health community in my county.  It is a big job as I am finding out.
  • Ideas for New Writing Projects – I have various ideas for other children’s books: one is about turtles, another is a longer nonfiction account of my experiences.  I am playing with ideas.  The children’s book is more tangible of an idea for me.  I am also just slowly beginning to market my book.  I need to email someone at a local art gallery/used book shop.

That’s pretty much it.  My husband is over for the weekend.  I’m trying to learn to be a better cook.  I went to see the adoption social worker.  I need to get in touch with a program called Kinship Center (link is on the front page, sorry for not linking here, lazy).  They have a support group for people who have given up a child to be adopted.  It would help me probably to talk to others.  I don’t want to get overly involved since there’s a lot I’m actually doing right now.

The Applied Behavior Analysis is something I’ve considered in the past.  Someone mentioned it to me by way of a college recruiter.  I don’t know if I messed up by asking them to call another time or send an email.  I hope that is not too much of a problem.  I think it would be a good fit since that is what I do much of the time anyway.

Open adoption; I will not mess that up.  The family is very kind.  I hope I can support my husband to become more comfortable with them.  I don’t know how to do so in an effective and gentle way.

About the newsletter, I’m just in the assembling process.  It’s my first time working with Microsoft Publisher very much.  I may have used it for other projects, but maybe it was a long while ago.  I don’t know.

My writing ideas…. I have to get them down.  Maybe I will post my story that I told aloud to my husband today while at the bus stop.  It involved a turtle and he sees a rock.  The rock is not what it appears to be.  It’s a story for children, but I feel adults would enjoy it too.

I get to see my son along with my mother on the 27th.  I’m going to try to see what I can do about what’s happening with my husband and his contact with David, but I don’t know if it’s my problem.  I do feel it’s in David’s best interest to know his birth father.  I don’t want him to completely shun him.  So far, he seems to be distancing himself.

Back on Track in the Morning


I’ve been lazy and disorderly for a while.  Let’s face it.  Time to change that.  Adios, chaos.  Hello, semblance of order.  One, two, three. Left, right.  Double time!

 

P.S.  I added more to the Ideas and Poetry pages of this blog.  Check ’em out if you have a moment. Caio bella.