Wilma the Conqueror: Winning the Battle of the Bulge

This title might be preemptive.  I have not yet lost more than about 15 pounds.  Still, I am going to lose over a hundred pounds, no matter how long it takes me, preferably within a year.  If it takes me longer, I will keep going.  I will pursue my objective and I will not give up.  This is not just about a number on the scale; far from it.  This is about my self respect as a human being, as a mother, as a wife, as an individual, as an American, as a lover of possibilities, and mostly just as Wilma, I, me, myself.

 

I have hemmed and hawed and pretended to care and pretended to try and made promises to myself and pretended again, and the reason I saw no results was that I was pretending and lying to myself.  I didn’t want to really lose weight; I just wanted to tell everyone I did.  I wanted to pretend that I loved myself when inside I was filled with self-loathing.  It’s a hard thing to admit and talk about in public, so I kept the feelings quiet and dormant, then just pretended to be health conscious and went about my merry business shoveling my face full of French fries and ice cream.

 

Oh, I was in denial of the worst sort.  I was in denial that I had a problem.  It was a thin denial, translucent, because on the other side, I was sure that everyone could see that I really wanted to be healthy.  I just didn’t see the need to try.  I would try for a week or two then give up.  I’d eat something I knew wasn’t helping me, and the whole thing would be over.  I’d gain more weight and be back to business as usual, vegetarian but fat, and not healthy, not caring about myself, and not succeeding at the business of caring for others either (which I thought I was doing rather well).

 

Fast forward to “The Now” as they call it and you’ll see someone who really understands that you cannot care for others until you take sufficient care of yourself.  It’s a lesson I had to learn time and time again.  I’ve stated it in another entry of this blog.  It’s an important point, though.  To be a caring person, to care for anyone, truly, one must care for oneself.  This is what was lacking in my past.  This is what I’m putting into practice In the Now.

 

 

Waiting

Seems waiting is what I have been doing lately. I’ve been waiting for my husband and me to finally get to a point where we can coexist harmoniously. Tonight I am waiting for him to get a ride over here with his mother (whose company I have not been graced with since before David was in foster care). Before that, I was waiting for Chris to get his medication tonight so that he could be here with me over the weekend safely. I’m currently waiting for the items in my veggie soup (red potatoes, frozen veggies, noodles, broth, herbs) to become a meal. Previously, I was waiting to see what the outcome would be of evaluations regarding our perceived abilities to be parents. Even further back, I waited for my conservatorship to be over. Waiting. It’s what we do.

. . and the soup is finished! Now all I have to do is wait for hubby!<3

Chilly today. Hot tamale.

The title of this entry is an old saying. My mother used to say that when I was growing up. It was a very sweet kind of pun for me. My father also liked puns as humor. I’ve heard it said that this is not a very high form of humor. Still, sometimes, it can be fun to pun.

There is some kind of alarm that is stuck on my oven. I don’t think it’s harmful, but it is somewhat annoying. I can barely hear it from my bedroom, but whenever I go into that part of the apartment, it’s audible. Oh well. Oh smell, as Chris used to say.

Soon, I need to take a shower, get dressed, and get to the center Our Voices in Monterey. I’ll be working on editing the newsletter that doesn’t come out until February. I asked one person at Omni to contribute. He seemed appreciative and interested. I can ask around Our Voices as well when I go over.

While in Monterey, I’m going to take the opportunity to go to Trader Joe’s and/or the farmer’s market on Alvarado St. That’s probably the best one in the area. By going to Monterey once a week to get work done on the newsletter, I can get a chance to get some healthy, fresh food at least. I’ve decided to go vegan again, so that will be crucial.

Maybe I could find some winter squash, sweet potatoes, beets. I saw a recipe for roasting beets in the oven, also roasting sweet potatoes. I have to look this up. I should get some more tofu, see if they have tofu scrambler mix. Some good salad from the farmer’s market would be marvelous. Maybe some pumpkin seeds for salads would be lovely, too. I should also look for things to make potatoes. I like red potatoes in soups with vegetables, maybe tri-color curly pasta. I love making soup. Another thing I could find is quinoa. It’s an alternative grain to wheat or rice that has more protein. One can make couscous, tabouli salad or use it as rice or even as breakfast. It’s very versatile. Some fruit would be nice as well. Maybe some nice pomegranates for salad. Mmmm, I’m getting excited already. I could get baked tofu as well as the regular to add cubes to my salads. I think this is going to work out nicely.